17 days left of this year. Not only did this one go fast, but so did the one before it. I rarely share on social media how tired I am or how life has turned it's ugly side on the front page time after time.. but man, the past two and half years have been tough. I've always been quite an analyst and I don't fear emotional growth or pain, but I could almost say that I've met my match.
I want to be ready. Not always having to change. Not always having to grow, but to actually, finally, enjoy the miles behind and be proud of who I am and what I have achieved. Yet that seems so much to ask. They say life only gives you as much as you can handle - my friend put it well when she said she's been tired for the past 20 years. Thank you life, we appreciate it.. but I'm ready for things to get easier.
A good thing about life is that if every period has a beginning, they also come to an end. About two weeks ago one of the darkest periods of my life ended. I'm usually quick to move on and the old me would've popped at least 17 champagnes and been all middle fingers on that beautiful day, but weirdly I find most comfort in silence. It's all still forming in my head, yet I promised myself I would write about it when I am ready. Bullying. I owe it to myself and because you have to be the change you want to see in the world, I need to speak in order to get heard. But not yet.
I used to listen to a lot of "Ill Mind Of Hopsin 8", trying to force change on myself. Trying to let go. This is what I sometimes hate about myself - I hold on to things I know aren't good for me. Meanwhile I was hoping for things to change, I changed myself. Despite all the fight I put in, I won so little out of it. I'm not saying trying is ineffectual, but even if you fight to take as much as you can with you when you go, there are also things you leave behind. Trades between commodities and pieces of your heart and mind usually aren't worth it, but I'm hoping I am still able to use my experiences as my fuel. Can't say it was a pleasure, but I sure as hell learnt a lot.
So.. I'm on my way to liberation.. whatever that means.
On a more positive note, a while ago I smelled a chance and I went for it. The thing I was referring to in an earlier post (Pursuit Of Happiness) came out of the closet yesterday. It makes me blush to write this but because it feels right, I must: I am taking part in the new season of The Voice Of Finland. I am extremely nervous, very determined and because it feels like home, I'm going for it. ❤︎ I've always said I'll be a bitter ol' bitch if I won't give music an honest try, so here I am, taking the first real step in a real long time.
(BTW, if you are not yet familiar with Kaleo, I suggest you check the crap out of them. I've been playing "Way Down We Go" nonstop for the past week and I'm telling you, it still amazes me how that kind of a voice comes out of a boy like that. They're real, they're honest, they're true. And I'm loving it how only a melody can capture exactly how you feel. This is just pure emotion and they deserve all the attention they can get.)
I'm sorry I can't be more bubbly today. Even if I had some very positive news, I find it uncomfortable to write about the negative stuff. I feel like I need to explain it or just stfu.. but I'm also making a personal landmark here. That's life. I'm bad at lying or keeping up a fake image, and it can be hard to share anything when people only care for the positive stuff.. but I find honesty more important. All that's rare must be fought for and kept alive. ❤︎