I aged in numbers this week. What I am usually terrified of, I welcomed as a friend this time. I realized it’s much more delightful that way, because after all we don’t really have a choice, do we?
I’ve been really anxious about my birthdays since I was 17, much because I didn't think I had achieved enough in life.. but now looking back every year of my life has had something special for me to experience. It might not feel like it, but as I wrote earlier, the results of growth are only seen afterwards - if one learns to see them.
Especially the past 2,5 years have been extremely eventful and rather educational. I learnt that not everything always is what it seems. I learnt what real pressure is. Learnt to stand alone when people in a meaningful position in my life turned against me. I learnt to defend my rights. I learnt to deal with shame. I learnt how to survive in situations that seemed hopeless and give less meaning to the negativity I have absolutely no control over. All in all I learnt a lot about people.. and a lot about myself.
Unfortunately, who's a stranger to those things anyway? It's sad to think that the people who wear their heart in their sleeve and believe in the good in people learn to become colder. Give less.
🎶 ”The circle of life..!!!”
That chapter is now almost over and soon will become a mere memory. And yet, I’m grateful it happened. All the necessary shit that comes along the way.. thank you for making me a better person. But you know - that’s the thing about aging. It is our responsibility to deal with unpleasant things and organize them so that they bother us as little as possible. Friggin’ adulthood.
But there are perks in aging, too: you develop a more analyzing mind and mature perception. You become more aware of what happens around you and start realizing everything you do and do not understand. You start to observe your childhood from a different angle and begin to understand the little quirks in your personality. The grown up you looks back and sees all kinds of things the young you never knew existed! It can be totally messed up but in a way I think it’s also beautiful.. the things you can learn about yourself if you just take the time to think. And by learning where you have been, you can understand what’s coming next. And whatever will come, in a way you have already been prepared for it.
I like the following quote a lot. Cliches are the best because they’re true.
”You have survived 100 % of everything in your life so far.”
So bring it.
Looking back at what’s went down, I feel grateful of everything. It all is a good start for the rest of my life. And you know what - managing to stay unspoiled and true and being able to honestly say that ”I like the person I am" is one of the greatest achievements in life. It's taken a long time and a lot of effort, but I think I finally can. So yes.. me and the numbers are in peace.